Yesterday I started the radiotherapy which was totally fine until I returned home and had this impeding dread that I have to go back today and everyday for 5 weeks. I know some people work the whole time through treatment but I have to take 5 hours out of everyday to receive mine. I have woken up today feeling awful, I really cannot face the journey , I have taken my anti sickness tablets to help with the nausea but my whole body feels awful like it just wants to stay in bed and sleep. I hope I have a bug because I will not get through this if this is a mental issue. Today though we are going to take a picnic and stop somewhere afterwards before going to the caravan for the night. I have to try to do different things to make the daily experience bearable.
I came home yesterday as my youngest had her prom night, I told her she could have some friends round for pre prom drinks as I want everything to be as normal as can be for her. So I had a house full of teenagers for an hour, they were so well behaved and they all looked so lovely dressed up.
Kayleigh and her 2 best friends.
Kayleigh's prom date (below) was one of the few that gave their dates corsages it was so sweet.
When we took them up to the school to catch their coach is was really sad, I know I keep saying this but I feel so old all of a sudden. Of she went with all her friends and they all looked so grown-up that its hard not to feel sad. These last few months have been mentally challenging for me with the girls lives changing one way or another.
Maybe I am down in general and that's why I can't face the hospital today, I know my mood swings are exhausting for everyone including myself ( bloody tamoxifen). I know I have put weight on which is probably due to doing very little exercise and maybe the the drugs too. I just need to give myself a slap and stop feeling sorry for myself, I have got this easy compared to some people.
Oh blimey Clare you really are going through the mill. I can so understand how you must dread the next five weeks and I hope you find a way to stay strong and get through it all. You are very brave to try and keep things normal at home whilst dealing with your inner turmoil.
ReplyDeleteHang in there - I know that sounds trite but I am rooting for you.
x
ps your daughter looks lovely - and looking at all that teenage stuff and growing up does make us wistful.
Do not get down on yourself!! Everything you are feeling is real and totally understandable ....it is good that you are talking about it and we are here for you...this is a big deal in your life and anyone who expects you to ( including you) waltz through this with a couple of off days is nuts...you will have good and bad ...BUT every day is one less day you will have to go AND you have a good really good prognosis...try to keep that in mind...if you start to feel yourself in a place that is to low..you might get a short term antidepressant...I did and guess what I never went off it!!! I found it changed my life short term and then long term....I have no regrets!!! So we are here to listen...you will get through it...lots and lots of understanding and hugs from a very foggy wet cool new England..xoxo
ReplyDeleteKayleigh looks gorgeous! you must be so proud of her. Big hugs to you missus, these hormones are bloody crazy - took me ages to 'get used' to them (and to be honest i think we've all got a good enough reason to have a wobble every now and again!) Hope today went better and you managed to picnic somewhere. Lots of love,
ReplyDeleteAnnie xxx
Hang in there, my mum has just gone through the same and she had some real down days, her hair loss was the worst thing, but a year later and she is upbeat and feeling back to her old self her hair is short and funky and she will get a new breast later this year, it's good to talk and share about how you feel. Fliss xxx
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