Its finally sunk in!

I have been away for a few days to the caravan as I had a hospital appointment in Shrewsbury. I have never been to this hospital as it is 2 hours away, if we stay at the caravan it takes 30 mins off the journey. So yesterday we used it as a trial run for when I go daily for radiotherapy.

Since I was diagnosed I have taken it really well, some may say too well, but I really think its because of the lovely breast clinic I spent time in while in Swansea. It not clinical its more like a hotel, and the times I have spent in Aberystwyth hospital have been OK as Ive been on the gynecology ward. Yesterday was completely different as the clinic is for people receiving chemo or radiotherapy, and it really was a horrible place to be. This is meant as no offence to the other patients there but it really is a depressing place to spend time in. I was sat in the waiting room wishing I could be anywhere else and wondering how much trouble I would get into if I walked out. I hold my hat off to staff who work there on a daily basis because its not somewhere I could work.

So I held back the tears and we left the hospital to go in Town to meet my friends for lunch.  I haven't seen Jayne since I was diagnosed this was the first opportunity we had to get together. We had agreed to meet in the restaurant and we got there first, all I could think about was the clinic and cancer. I don't think I realised how serious cancer is and how life changing it can be. I could no longer hold back the tears so by the time Jayne arrived I was in buckets. I was doing everything to stop crying but it was in free fall, It was awful I felt so embarrassed because other diners were looking and Jayne didn't know what to say. I did quickly sort myself out though and Ant her husband told me someone close to him had the same experience when they visited the clinic, so that did make me feel normal. They were great, both very supportive and we did have a lovely afternoon, a great distraction.

I was just so shocked with myself that I had held things together so well and then crumpled so quickly, I had another moment later that night alone with Darren but I think its sorted in my head now. You can never be too sure with this illness though its like being on a roller coaster you have to take each day as it comes.

Cupcakes

I have finally had a productive day and attempted to get out of my pyjamas and bake cakes.

I  saw this recipe for "Spicy Banana Chocolate loaf" on the blog http://delightfuldomesticscience.blogspot.com and decided to give it a go and its lush.

Next I made some cupcakes to give to a client tomorrow who got married on Friday. 
I finally get to use the cupcake boxes I bought from American in March to deliver them in.

I also made some and dressed them in some gorgeous cases that my friend Jeany Beany bought me. I have promised for weeks to make them so here you are Jeany.

This is the state of my kitchen now, I have lost all my enthusiasm again now I have to clean up.

The final colour!

I said I would change my hair colour and style regardless of the chemo results and I have finally done it. I know I cut it short a few weeks ago, well I finally had the colour done this week. I have had red hair lots of times throughout my life but I do have dark hair so its always quite subtle. Well not this time because I told them to bleach the highlights first ( I am a bleaching virgin) to be honest it was really nice bleached it was very coppery but I wanted the red on top. So here it is............

I know its the same colour as my walls. That was not done on purpose.

These  two photos were not poses but captured my hair really well.

So there you have it my new image and I can tell you that some people have made it quite clear they do not like it to me. When people make comments like "oh you've change your hair" and "oh that's different" and nothing else its quite obvious. The comment that really bugs me at the moment though is "what made you do that". Maybe its just me but when something like cancer happens in your life it really makes you wake up to how short life really is. Surely life's for doing different things and making changes. Its so easy to walk the same safe path in life which is not a problem if that makes you happy, but there so much more out there and I for one plan to do a lot more with my life, I am already working on my tick list.

Army Barmy

The family and friends who visit my blog will know about my eldest daughter Chloe who is 17, for everyone else they will know very little about her. I have tried not to discuss other people on my blog as I feel its unfair to talk about them they as a third party. Today I will talk about her though as I,m really proud of her.

So I will not be lying if I said Chloe and myself have clashed for a long time, some may say since she was a baby, our relationship has been very volatile at times. I know if Chloe is reading this she will not be disagreeing with me. She is a very head strong young women who will do what she wants and from a very young age she has wanted to be in the military. Her father and myself both pushed her towards the RAF as this is what we both know and she did entertain this choice for many years. The last 2 years though with hand on my heart I realised it was the Army that she was going to be a natural in, the RAF was just not exciting enough. The difference in her when she went down the path of Army was amazing, and she has worked so hard mostly off her own back, she did her 2 day selection yesterday and has been accepted. She has done really well and the job she has chosen is a technical trade, but she will using her skills in adrenalin situations which is exactly what she wanted.

 So she will probably be leaving home in 5 weeks, I,m really proud of her and I know there have been many times I have wished for this to happen and I,m in no doubt she has felt the same,but she is my daughter and I will miss her.

People have asked me how can you be happy about her joining the Army and what happens if she ends up in a conflict area. Well she will be there doing what she loves and she will be happy so I am happy for her. There are not many people who really do the job they want with as much passion as her.

Well done Chloe and good luck!

J Festival 2011

This for anyone out there who enjoys camping, festivals and family fun.

I have a very good friend called Jayne who loves all the above, so she has decided to organise her own 2 day festival. I have listed all the details below.

J Festival 2011 Saturday, July 2 at 10:00am Location: Syllpwylch, Llandrinio...a once in a lifetime event

It has everything for all the family:

The children can enjoy an array of entertainment including games and a display from a fire eater and a magician (for all those big kids out there feel free to get involved). There will also be a live band, and a few home grown DJ’s wanting to test their tunes on you.

You can pig out (literally lol) with a magnificent hog roast, a late night fireside pit (including marshmallows and crumpets), early morning snacks and then a good breakfast on the morning to get us going for the day.

If we manage to get 120 people to our very own “J Festival” they will be a bar supplied otherwise it will bring your own booze (we will let you know what the situation with this is once numbers are finalised).

There will be a small charge for this:

Adults: £15

Children: £5

This is inclusive of everything for the weekend apart from the alcohol (what a bargain).

The location of this event is: Physpwll, LLandrinio, Llanymynech, SY22 6SH (we will be supplying a map nearer the time so you can find your way there).

The site has proper toilet and showering facilities.

If you are interested please contact Natalie or Jayne on 01743 581067.

Happy to be home.

I,m home now after a traumatic day yesterday. I had another reaction to the the anaesthetic and was so ill. Everyone new that I would react to it and did everything possible to minimise the effects but I still suffered till the early hours this morning.  So believe me when I woke up this morning I was starving, I could of  eaten anything but the meal portions are so small in hospital it was not long before my stomach was growling.

 I remember at one point yesterday a nurse coming into the room and asking Darren if I was normally that pale, I answered her back saying I must be bloody pale because I've got fake tan on.

I had a drain in that had to be removed this morning before I came home, I had 2 in when I was in Swansea 7 weeks ago but I was given gas and air when they removed them. This hospital doesn't have that policy its a grit your teeth policy and I can honestly say that was horrendous to the point I cried.

 My scar is bigger and my boob smaller, so lets just hope they have clear margins now because if they go in for any more there won't be much left.

I am sat on my sofa after a nice bath eating chocolate and watching telly being spoilt. I will probably be bored by tomorrow, I can't sit down for too long.

Result are in.

I would of been on here yesterday but as many of you are aware blogger was down.

So the results are all good, very low score regarding the recurrence of  cancer in the next 10 years. So I now know what is going to happen and when, so I'm back in control again, yeh!

I cannot believe how relaxed I actually was last night, we went up to the caravan even though the weather was horrible but we had a really good time. We sat and drank "mohitos" which were gorgeous and got slightly drunk, but I just felt so much more relaxed than I have in ages, I did not realise what a burden the last 4 months have been.

When we arrived at the caravan there was a huge swarm off wasps by our picnic bench, we could not figure out why until we looked underneath.

Yes we had a very new wasps nest attached to it, this must of taken a few days because it was not there on Thursday when we left. So we very carefully moved the table to the riverbank and claimed a new bench. Then this morning we sat inside the caravan watching a cheeky squirrel checking out our pitch and even climbing up the awning pole to see what was up there. 

I received a parcel yesterday from a good friend of mine who I lost touch with for a few years, we have recently got back in touch again through freinds reunited. We both joined the RAF together in 89, and she now lives in Spain. The parcel was some lovely chocolates from some ladies in Lincoln called "Chocs away". On the paperwork which arrives with the chocs they talk about themselves as friends who now run a business together after they both met in 89 when they joined the RAF together. I asked Sam about this and we all joined up together (small world) and she has been in touch with them through facebook. So I will check out their website www.chocsaway.co.uk and leave some lovely feedback cos the chocs were lush. 

Also a new friend of mine Chez and myself are going to have a weekend away in September at a forum for young women with Breast cancer. I met Chez through breast cancer care and blogging, our situations and lives are very similar its  weird, check out her blog chez-diaryofadramaqueen.blogspot.com. Now don't get me wrong here I am really interested in what will be going on at the forum as I know some of the workshops are going to be very beneficial to me, but I,m looking forward to a couple off nights away having some fun and it will be good to actually meet Chez. Its weird how things happen isn't it.

So thats all for now got surgery monday and will speak after that.

Bye

Results not in!

Just a quick entry today as I know people are going to be checking in to find out my results. Had a call this morning to say the results have not arrived and have no new appointment as I would rather wait for confirmation now before getting my hopes up.

I,m not in a great mood because I,m fed up of the last 4 months and constantly waiting for some appointment or result. I know these are the last major results and it will all be straightforward and planned when the results are back so it was an anti climax to get the call. 

I feel one of those days coming on when I don't bother getting out of my pj's.

A very weird day!!

All I can say is today ended not as I expected, and unfortunately not in a good way.

I did spend the weekend at the caravan just to get over the infection and have some peace and quiet because my house is not always quiet. I only came home today as I had to go to the hospital for a check up on the infected wound. So off I went with Su as Darren has had to go to work for a few days, it was all very relaxed and we had a nice pub lunch.  We then go to the hospital for the appointment.

All I expected was a quick in and out but I was actually there 2 1/2 hrs. The doctor called me in and after I,d sat down  he started discussing the operation and the lump and the removal, while I,m just sat there thinking he's got confused here as I've had my post op appointment 2 weeks after surgery. So I was polite and I let him carry on and he's telling me about why I had the cancer and my margins and I,m really thinking has he got me mixed up with someone else its just a wound infection and you haven't even mentioned it yet. So then he starts talking about having to carry out more surgery and I had to stop him. I told him I,m really confused but what are you talking about.

They have just got some lab results back and they don't think my margins are clear and they think there are some pre cancerous cells left behind. So I,m now booked in for surgery on Monday for more tissue removal. 

He did eventually check the wound and found a stitch was infected which has been removed, but to be honest they are going to remove my old scar next week so what difference would it make. I,m can't be annoyed with the doctor or nurses as they are lovely people but some warning might have helped.

So to say I was shocked was an understatement, this is the first time through the whole process I have been shocked because Iv,e always prepared myself before hand. So at least it has taken my mind of the results on wed for the chemo. I just wish it was all over it just seems to be taking forever to get through this. 

Click on this to see a very funny video!!!


This is why we love cats!!

We are back after 2 days away, the weather changed and I became ill today so wanted the comfort of my own bed. We had a great few days away although not a drop of  alcohol passed my lips I felt so yucky and exhausted I just drank tea. The site we stay on is great its right by a river bank in a forest. 

This is us arriving and Darren doing all the heavy work.

Our view from Polly Dolly we are right next to the river bank.

Our vintage sun shelter and deckchairs and my new windbreaks below, we now have more space  so have managed to get hold of a few more to mark our territory.

Last night sat around the firepit.

It was really good to spend time in her, the great thing about the site is there are no mobile reception or braodband. Then yesterday the owner informed us that broadband would be connected today as so many guests are requiring it these days. At first it was like great but after thinking about it maybe not. The whole point of going there is to get away from everything. 

The oncologist  rang me today to say they are bringing my results forward a week to wed. Its nothing to worry about, they have tracked the results in America and there nearly ready. I made the mistake of saying I felt ill, they then contacted the breast dept who now want to see me on Monday. I do feel ill but I,m sure its a viral thing and they have insisted I see my doctor tomorrow in case I need antibiotics. I will keep my mouth shut in future.

Polly Dolly starts glamping tomorrow!

So we are finally ready to go tomorrow, the weather looks good for the next few days with this strong wind supposedly dying by tomorrow. The only down side is we had to buy a plastic shed to house the deck chairs and other things, it will have to be hidden out of the way as its far too modern and not pretty for Polly Dolly. Last year we purchased a scout tent from about 1920 and it was so cool but it just was'nt up to the weather during the whole season. We decided to protect it and use something else as it is really special.

 So all the prep has been done but i,m sure when we get there we will realise we've forgotten something. 

Had a great day Friday, can't believe how excited I was about the wedding and it was so lovely to watch. Kate looked stunning but I have to say it was Pippa the bridesmaid that stole the show for me, that dress was gorgeous. We started on the bubbly at 10.30 and carried on all day and night with a bbq and ending sat round the chimnea. 

Will be back in a few days with some pics.