Thursday, 26 May 2011

Its finally sunk in!

I have been away for a few days to the caravan as I had a hospital appointment in Shrewsbury. I have never been to this hospital as it is 2 hours away, if we stay at the caravan it takes 30 mins off the journey. So yesterday we used it as a trial run for when I go daily for radiotherapy.

Since I was diagnosed I have taken it really well, some may say too well, but I really think its because of the lovely breast clinic I spent time in while in Swansea. It not clinical its more like a hotel, and the times I have spent in Aberystwyth hospital have been OK as Ive been on the gynecology ward. Yesterday was completely different as the clinic is for people receiving chemo or radiotherapy, and it really was a horrible place to be. This is meant as no offence to the other patients there but it really is a depressing place to spend time in. I was sat in the waiting room wishing I could be anywhere else and wondering how much trouble I would get into if I walked out. I hold my hat off to staff who work there on a daily basis because its not somewhere I could work.

So I held back the tears and we left the hospital to go in Town to meet my friends for lunch.  I haven't seen Jayne since I was diagnosed this was the first opportunity we had to get together. We had agreed to meet in the restaurant and we got there first, all I could think about was the clinic and cancer. I don't think I realised how serious cancer is and how life changing it can be. I could no longer hold back the tears so by the time Jayne arrived I was in buckets. I was doing everything to stop crying but it was in free fall, It was awful I felt so embarrassed because other diners were looking and Jayne didn't know what to say. I did quickly sort myself out though and Ant her husband told me someone close to him had the same experience when they visited the clinic, so that did make me feel normal. They were great, both very supportive and we did have a lovely afternoon, a great distraction.

I was just so shocked with myself that I had held things together so well and then crumpled so quickly, I had another moment later that night alone with Darren but I think its sorted in my head now. You can never be too sure with this illness though its like being on a roller coaster you have to take each day as it comes.


  1. Hi Clare
    It will do you good to have a good cry you can't go through same thing like this and not breakdown same time and don't be embarrassed I'll give you a ring later

  2. I think you can only bury the fear for so long & sooner or later it hits you. I'm not surprised the clinic set you off, it sounded pretty grim. Sometimes all you can do is let it go & it sounds like your friends were wonderful, nobody knows what to say, but them just being there would have been a comfort. Keep your eyes on the road beyond this experience. Hugs.

  3. My heart goes out to you during this difficult time. I don't have any great words of wisdom for you because I've never had to go through cancer. Just know that I'm thinking well thoughts for you and praying that you beat this.

  4. Im sure it is only natural - feeling that way! You are lucky you have good people around you to support and help you along this horrible journey!

    Take care

  5. Well kid, we gotta deal with the emotional stuff at some point, u wouldn't be human if u didn't have a meltdown now & again & it's allowed! Love Chez. xx

  6. It's most definitely allowed Honey as Chez says.

    You have been so strong and positive through all of this, I've told you before and I'll say it again, I'm in awe of how you've coped.

    But unfortunately, yesterday may be only one of a few times that it gets a little too much for you. During those times just remember there are those of us who love you to bits, and will do whatever it is you need to help you get through this. Just make sure you let us know when you need us, and what it is you need, even if it's just someone to sit on the other end of the phone and listen to you rant.

    There is an end to all this, and as I told you before you will come through this stronger and more resilient than ever.

    Hugs xxxxxx

  7. Hi Polly! Great to stumble on your blog! Best of luck with everything! Have you heard of FAMEDS? The only non-profit leading the effort against the FDA in order to continue the use of the drug Avastin for the 17,500 women with breast cancer surviving on the drug. Please sign and share the urgent petition:

  8. Oh my friend...I am so sorry...I think you needed it but it still breaks my heart...of course it is a horrible could it not be...everything scary looking right at you..nobody understands it until it is them.. My mum just decided to treat herself to something every time she went! A little reward for broad shoulders!! It helped...I think you should do that even if it is a candy bar!!!!!
    Thanks for popping by today...I cannot even comment on my Mac because of the google mess BUT I can on my iPad...hugs and more hugs to you!!!!

  9. I love you! Stay strong! Your the best role model I could ever ask for!! <3. Chloe xxxxx

  10. I don't know what to say Clare, except that I think, from all the you have written, that you've coped admirably. Wonderfully well. Letting go a little bit must have been quite a healing thing for your soul.

    Bon courage for the rest of the journey, ducks! Rooting for you all the way.

  11. Saying a prayer for you that all goes well

    Gods blessings